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BOOKS

Once again, a year in which almost all of my book purchases were second-hand. This has never really been about saving money - I simply enjoy finding a book I want in the random jumble of a used book store far more than picking it off the alphabetically arranged shelves of a Waterstones. There are some books (Michael Marshall Smith’s The Servants, for instance) that I have bought new, but haven’t got round to reading yet. And far and away the best book I’ve read this year was Shirley Jackson’s We Have Always Lived In The Castle, which was first published in 1962.

Duma Key, by Stephen King.

Easily in the top position, as this is King’s best book in years; for me, his best novel since Bag Of Bones. This one has the deep and easy-to-like main characters, the uncomplicated and realistic dialogue, and the slow-burning yet involving plotting that used to be King’s trademarks.

Infected, by Scott Sigler.

We’re now in the realms of the only two other books actually published in 2008 that I bought and read, even though this one was obtained second-hand. It’s a very King-like horror thriller (which skews this selection even more than I’d like), whose only real fault is it’s lack of story threads and muffled ending.

Just After Sunset, by Stephen King.

Only on this list by virtue of being the other new book purchased this year, this collection of stories has some gems (and, to be fair, King never writes badly, whatever his other faults) but the themes of the tales here are old hat, if not outright cliched, and King adds nothing new to the mix.

GAMES

This year has been mostly spent playing, and re-playing, Super Mario Galaxy (released at the tail end of last year), and finally finishing off Resident Evil 4 and Metroid Prime 3 (released considerably earlier). All three of these would be in my Top 3, if they were eligible.

Soul Bubbles, on Nintendo DS.

This is simply one of the most enchanting games I have ever played. Its premise is simple - protect the fairy-light souls in a bubble and then blow them through the danger-packed level to the end. An easy enough game unless, like me, you are compelled to collect every bonus item along the way, which dramatically increases the game’s longevity.

De Blob, on Nintendo Wii.

Bought at half-price on the day of release, this was never destined to be a high profile best seller. You control a paint blob character who has to bring colour back to various areas of a city that has been rendered in black and white by the evil authorities. The various challenges and side quests make this game, as do the little touches (for instance, the way the soundtrack builds up, instrument by instrument, as you bring more and more colours to the buildings).

Lost Winds, on Nintendo WiiWare.

This game sort of appeared out of nowhere on the Wii’s Virtual Console and, for my money, was maybe the first game to properly utilise the Wii Remote properly. It’s a simple 2D platformer, but its wind-based gameplay was both mellow and rewarding. Also on the WiiWare, I bought Cubello and Orbient, both simple games, but both as utterly fulfilling as all games should be.

MOVIES

Another slim year of cinema-going for me - I simply can’t be bothered with the effort of it all. For years the general public has hacked me off, and now the cinema staff seem as disinterested in my enjoying the movie too. Sod ‘em. The only other films I saw at the cinema this year were Indiana Jones and Hellboy 2, and they were both crap. 

The Dark Knight.

There’s much wrong with this film (Bale’s absurd Batman voice, and the fact that it’s easily half a hour too long (that, or the structure of the Joker’s anarchy campaign is too stop-and-start for a film this long)), and I suspect that without Ledger’s astonishing turn as the Clown Prince of Crime, and the public eulogising subsequent to his untimely death, this would be far less a film than it is. But it’s still the Batman film I’ve waited many years to see.

Burn After Reading.

Far more ephemeral than the Coen Brothers’ other No Country For Old Men, yet far more satisfying, this has a laugh-out-loud script performed to well pitched perfection by the entire cast. I can’t remember the last time I had as much fun watching a film.

Iron Man.

On one hand, this is family-friendly fodder, based on a character I could never care less about. On the other, it’s the best attempt so far to make a coherent story from a superhero’s origin, while still addressing the other concerns that bad guys get thumped and things go explodey-BOOM. I enjoyed it immensely.

MUSIC

The funny thing here is that I’m much more into books, movies and games than music, yet I have an actual Top 5 for music this year, while everything else struggles to achieve a Top 3. My favourite stuff, though, has been a rediscovery of Iggy Pop & The Stooges, and a discovery of Captain Beefheart, both of which have hardly been out of the stereo.

Portishead - Third.

Well worth the wait, this one. It sounds like a late album from a band who have produced a lot of music getting to this stage. As a third album from a band who took ten years to make it, it’s something both strangely familiar and new.

Phoebe Killdeer and the Short Straws - Weather’s Coming…

This late in the year, and I can’t even remember how I heard of Phoebe Killdeer. But I immediately went out and bought this album, for all of £3 off some bloke on the eBay. It’s so good I wish now that I’d bought it full price so that band might see some of the money… It’s a bit Aimee Mann and Tom Waits, and quite a bit Gallic. And it’s all quite wonky.

The Kills - Midnight Boom.

This seems to be on quite a few lists this year, even though it’s the same guitar-and-drum-machine formula as before. But it’s a formula that works.

MGMT - Oracular Spectacular.

I think I saw MGMT on Jools Holland, and could be forgiven for thinking it was archive footage. This is a thumping psychedelic album, while also being a bit of a foot-stomper.

Cold War Kids - Loyalty To Loyalty.

In all honesty, this is something of a disappointment after their excellent debut album, whose name escapes me. There’s nothing on here to even approach the instantly memorable Hang Me Out To Dry. For all that, it’s a more experimental and accomplished album, and I can’t really say that I don’t like it at all.

Like all good things, pinched from Rol.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

This year I have used a wrapping paper covered in glitter, little of which remained on the paper during the present wrapping process. I now have a dining table with red and green glitter stuck in the grain of the wood. I am not best pleased. But that’s not the worst paper. Oh, no. Not by a long chalk. I have some metallic foil wrapping paper that doesn’t take a fold and that resists sticky tape. Wrapping paper, mind you, that not only can’t be folded but that doesn’t stick to Sellotape. This is how my Christmas started this year.

2. Real tree or artificial?

I used to have real trees, but I insisted that the tree only go up some time close to Christmas Day, so the selection tended to be on the meagre side. I now have one of those daft upside-down Christmas trees, which the kids love because there’s a ton of space underneath for presents, and I love because it’s like wearing an upside-down crucifix to church. 

3. When do you put up the tree?

Christmas Eve. Or when the badgering from the kids gets too much. But I’m a stubborn bugger, so it’s usually Christmas Eve. 

4. When do you take the tree down?

Normally about five or six days after my wife starts to badger me about it.

5. Favorite gifts received as a child?

The Steve Austin Six Million Dollar Man doll with the bionic eye that you could look through (via the hole in the back of his head!), and the rubber skin on his forearm that rolled up to reveal his bionics, and - best of all - the bionic arm that, using the great big switch sticking out of his back, lifted up a car engine that, being made of hollow plastic, weighed all of about half an ounce.

6. Hardest person to buy for?

Practically everybody. I prefer to buy gifts throughout the year, things that are particular and unique and that no one would ever buy themselves. But mostly that never happens.  

7. Easiest person to buy for?

My daughter Gwen. She loves everything. I’ve given her joke crap presents that she loves. She’s either very socially aware or has absolutely no sense of humour. 

8. Do you have a nativity scene?

I do not. I dislike religious artifacts in the house. Even the religious Christmas cards that we receive tend to get pushed to the back of the mantelpiece.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards?

I haven’t sent Christmas cards for years, not to people we’re going to see anyway. A couple of cards go out to people we don’t see, but that’s about it. I nearly sent a bunch of E-Cards this year, but then I was worried about people being narked that their email addresses weren’t sacrosanct, so I didn’t.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

It would be churlish to single out a well-intentioned gift (and besides, I told my wife my exact feelings on the subject at the time…), but I now have a very specific list that is to be adhered to, for want of a better word, religiously.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie? 

Gremlins, because it has not only the single best ‘There Is No Santa Claus’ scene in living history, but it also espouses a lot of actual decent values. And, good God, but Phoebe Cates is gorgeous.  

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

Rarely (see question 6), I can pick up gifts throughout the year. Mostly, it gets to early December and I start to panic about Christmas crowds and that’s usually enough to get me to the shops.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

I don’t think I ever have. But, to be fair, it’s exactly the sort of thing I would do, so I can’t imagine that I haven’t.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Christmas dinner. It’s about the only bit of Christmas worth the bother.

15. Lights on the tree?

Yes - plain white flashing ones.

16. Favorite Christmas song?

Fairytale Of New York. Like Gremlins, it has a dark core, but there’s love there too.

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

Stay at home as much as possible. This is also fairly sound advice for the rest of the year too.

18. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

Rudolph, Donner and Blitzen. I assume there’s more than three…

19. Angel on the tree top or a star?

We used to have a star, but now we have the upside-down tree so it became too technically challenging to bother with.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

Christmas Day, staggered throughout the day. That way each gift gets a little bit of appreciation all its own.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

The relentlessly overbearing and earnest bloody cheerfulness of people who are, otherwise, dead behind the eyes. But I also hate people who turn their house exteriors into neon bloody Lapland - although this year I have also been piqued by the bloke on the corner who has strung a single trail of meagre lights across the roof of his garage, so I’m obviously impossible to please.

22. Favorite ornament theme or color?

No. Can’t think of a one.

23. Favorite for Christmas dinner?

Full turkey roast with Brussels, carrots, Yorkshires and pigs in blankets.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year?

Summer Glau. Although I realise this is slightly impractical, certainly more so for her if not for me.

25. Egg nog or hot chocolate?

Hot chocolate, I suppose. I’ve never had egg nog, on account of it sounds fairly gross.

26. Letter to Santa?

Yes, of course, because I’m obviously about four years old…

27. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree?

He’s supposed to put them in a stocking, isn’t he? Ours wraps them too. He’s a bloody great bloke, our Santa.

28. Do you hang mistletoe?

No, I can’t say that I do.

29. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

I’m sure I always knew. I mean, it’s either a really creepy or a really stupid concept, isn’t it?

30. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

I open gifts when they’re given to me if it would cause offence not too. My Gran and Grandad used to visit us on Christmas Eve when I was a kid, and they would give us presents but insist we save them for Christmas Day. I loved them, but really…

31. Can you ice skate?

I haven’t done for about twenty five years. So, no, probably.

32. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?

That everybody respects my belief that the entire thing is a crock of nonsense and that I am indulging them, not the other way around.

34. What is your favorite holiday dessert?

Mince pies and brandy butter.

35. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?

Giving gifts to the kids is usually pleasant enough. But I wish the adults would just grow up and leave it to the kids, really. 

36. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?

Utterly indifferent. What an apt place to finish.

Hanging in this almost starless expanse of space, the ship unfurls the glittered iridescence of its scoop-sails to catch the passing radiation of a nearby sun.  This captured energy pulses lazily down the sails and into the main body of the vessel, pulses like blood through the veins of insect wings.  A human observer would liken the ship to the curled body of a shrimp held aloft by dragonfly wings, the entire thing constructed from oiled copper and stained glass.  From its body, tiny sensor filaments extrude, waving like underwater grasses in their methodical search for signal and information.  During this operation, the entire craft rotates, spiralling almost imperceptibly around its vertical axis; glints of starlight and flashes of superheated radiation reflect from its every intricate surface and are gone, to be replaced by more and yet more.  

There is a tireless hum - so faint that it may have been there all along – which builds on itself and then, slowly, like some strange creature sinking down into inky water, the alien ship turns more rapidly on its axis, a graceful parting pirouette, and vanishes from sight, both visual and mechanical, as it wraps the fabric of space around itself like a magician’s cloak.

Then it is gone.

Supercharged ions continue their eternal trajectories in the space the beautiful ship leaves behind, and there’s an ultrasonic background sound, far beyond organic perception: the sweet high tone of the universe as it sings to itself.

* * *

‘And that, my dear, was a Voivod warpship.’ 

Zoë Herriot continued to stare at the wall-mounted viewscreen for some moments.  ‘That was incredible, Doctor.’  She wore a white vinyl knee-length dress patterned with random black squares, worn over black flat-soled boots, and she practically danced her way to the Doctor’s side, resting her palms on the edge of the console.  

‘What we saw, of course,’ the Doctor went on, ‘was only the visible portion of a much larger and more intricate craft that exists outside of this space - a dimensional proxy, if you will.’  Already he had wandered away from Zoë’s side and was now making yet more of his seemingly unending adjustments to the controls on the TARDIS’s console.

‘The energy transfer ratio to use simple solar radiation for even partial extra-dimensional navigation must be almost incalculable,’ Zoë said.

The Doctor continued to adjust dials and experiment with levers.  He looked up at her from beneath his shaggy fringe, his eyes managing to sparkle in the shade of his dark hair.

‘My dear Zoë,’ he said, ‘there is nothing which is incalculable.’  His mouth turned up in a playful smile.  ‘At least, as far as I’ve found.’

He moved around to join her, taking both of her hands in his.  ‘I’m glad you liked it.’

‘Oh, I did.  The solar sails were unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.’  She clasped his hands tightly.  ‘If only we could have sneaked onboard.’

‘Ah, well, that’s easier said than done, even for a TARDIS.  They’re very secretive, the Voivod, on the rare occasions they enter this dimensional space.  Even I don’t know what they actually look like.’

‘I wish Jamie could have seen it.’

‘Yes, well, I can’t really be expected to entertain both of you at once,’ the Doctor replied somewhat testily.  ‘Speaking of Jamie; I hope he hasn’t lost himself in the TARDIS.  The room I chose for his bagpipe practice was as far from the console room as I could possibly-.’

They both turned at the high-pitched alarm coming from the TARDIS’s console. The Doctor dropped Zoë’s hands and shuffled around the hexagonal control panel to where a red light was flashing in time with the alarm.  He stared down at it intently, putting his hands behind his back and leaning forward a little, a look of bemusement on his face.  He moved around the console a little farther and pressed a button; the viewscreen went dark and a panel slid across it so that it was lost among the many roundels that covered the walls.

‘Doctor, what is it?’ asked Zoë.

He wandered back around to the alarm, then he looked at Zoë.  His face betrayed a look of disquiet that she hadn’t seen before.

‘It’s a distress call,’ he said.  His brow furrowed, bringing his dark eyebrows down over his eyes like storm clouds over a setting sun.

‘Where is it coming from?’

‘That’s the thing.  It’s coming from another TARDIS.’

‘Another TARDIS?  How can that be?’

‘Later, my dear,’  The Doctor said, as he made some final adjustments to the console and the translucent pillar of the Time Rotor began its ascending and descending motion.

‘I’d hold on to something, if I were you,’ the Doctor advised.  ‘This, I’m afraid, is going to be even more bumpy than usual.’

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED… 

As promised, a short preview of the opening of my Doctor Who story, Relative Dimensions, which can be read in its entirety in the anthology Shelf Life, on sale now 

Shelf Life is a Doctor Who-themed book collecting together a huge array of short stories (each with full page artwork), and which is published as a memorial to the writer Craig Hinton, who died in 2006. The profits from the sale of Shelf Life will be donated to the British Heart Foundation.

For the book, I have written the novella Relative Dimensions, featuring the Second Doctor and Zoe, and Tim Keable has provided the story’s accompanying illustration. I’ll probably post a teaser of that story later.

Shelf Life is a 624-page hardcover book, which is also available as a download or CD in .PDF format. All versions can be ordered here. 

This is a true story - at least, it’s as true as I reckon they get. I’ve heard some daft tales in my time, and this isn’t one of them, whatever you might think.

The Men Who Lost Uncle John’s Head is this week’s Elephant Words story, based on Dan Lester’s photograph.

The horizon showed orange upon orange, upon yellow, then white, as it travelled up from peninsula to hill, to sky, to clouds and then sun.

Upon The Beach… is this week’s Elephant Words contribution, based on this picture, taken by Kevin Grahame and offered by Nick.

Forry Ackerman, editor and literary agent, and much-loved personality, died last Thursday, as reported on MSNBC.

He was founding editor of the iconic Famous Monsters Of Filmland magazine.

He is credited with coining the term ’sci-fi’.

He discovered a young and unpublished writer named Ray Bradbury.

He opened his home (the ‘Ackermansion’), filled with a lifetime’s worth of memorabilia, to any fan who wanted to visit and see the collection, which ranged from thousands of books and magazines to Bela Lugosi’s Dracula Cape. This despite the fact that items sometimes went missing…

I’ve heard of Forrest Ackerman for about as long as I’ve been a fan of horror and science fiction. Which is about as long as I’ve been alive, give or take. He always sounded like the nicest bloke in the world.

Annie used to write love letters. She’d sit – in a café, in a park, a bus stop, a wine bar – look around for some stranger close by, and write them a love letter, in the same way an artist might do a sketch.

This week’s Elephant Words story is Objects In The Distance Appear Blue, based upon this picture which I offered last Sunday. If memory serves, this is the first time ever that my Elephant picture has been one I’ve taken myself.

And, ironically (or oddly?) enough, my story for it has only a very incidental connection to the photo.

Pinched from Rol, a bolded list of things I’ve done. Obviously an American-centric list, which makes it even more unlikely. 

 1. Started my own blog

Yeah. I know…

2. Slept under the stars

On the roof of a canal boat on my honeymoon.

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than I can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland/world

I should do this some time soon, before my daughter drives me literally insane with asking.

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

You know, I think I’ve done this, but I’m not sure.

10. Sung a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

One the list.

13. Watched lightning at sea

14. Taught myself an art from scratch

I’ve had no actual real formal training in writing or drawing. It doesn’t show, does it…?

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

Bad fish.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown my own vegetables

The tomatoes are the best.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

This is a real one, not the one I had with Alyson Hannigan and then woke up in a puddle.

22. Hitchhiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

But I was very, very busy.

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

On the list.

29. Seen a total eclipse

About as underwhelming an experience as I’ve ever had.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

Always worth the effort.

31. Hit a home run

In what we English call Rounders, which is almost exactly the same as baseball except that we don’t wear helmets and pads like a bunch of schoolgirls.

32. Been on a cruise

There’s this cruise of the fjords that I plan on doing soon.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught myself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

I was lost.

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had my portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

The girl I was kissing got all wet. Ta-Dah!

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

By accident.

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

It was alright.

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

It was my dad’s, and I was absolutely terrified.

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had my picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

Read a lot of books.

89. Saved someone’s life

Probably - pulled my friend Sarah’s daughter from walking out in front of a car.

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

Blimey, yes. In no particular order (apart from starting with Eliza Dushku, naturally), Jon Pertwee and Elisabeth Sladen, Dario Argento, Clive Barker, Michael Marshall Smith, Tony Todd, Ramsey Campbell, Ken Foree and David Emge from Dawn Of The Dead, John Russo and the bloke who played the doctor on Babylon 5. And some others who made little or no impression. Like Kim Newman…

But, you know, mostly just Eliza Dushku.

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

I had a really good gag for this one, but I’ve forgotten it…

94. Had a baby

Had two.

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

Owned two.

99. Been stung by a bee

I killed it. And then felt bad.

100. Ridden an elephant

It’s a dull life really, isn’t it?

Ex-Elephant Words writer and fledgling comics superstar Josh Hechinger has posted Hit And Run, a short webcomic that he’s drawn, scripted by Dino Caruso. Josh is self-deprecating about his art, but the truth is he draws in an elegant and fluid style that, above all, tells the story, which is something a great many other artists fail at. Also, I was delighted that Josh has made use of the hand-drawn ziptone that I made a few months ago - all those hours spent drawing tens of thousands of dots on a sheet of graph paper haven’t gone to waste!